I cannot believe it has been eight years! Yesterday, a very important person in my life turned eight years old. Her name is Braydin Grace. She has changed my life in so many ways, but most importantly she brought me to Christ.
It was December, and it was cold. I sat in the frigid car, my insides twisted in fear, tears streaming down my face. I sobbed out loud, and pounded my head on the steering wheel. What now? I was at a complete loss. I was hoping that the brick building in front of me would crumble and crush my car...with me in it.
This was my second abortion appointment. I cancelled my first one because my boyfriend could not come up with his half of the money in time. I had to make another appointment...this was it.
When I walked into the clinic, I was hoping for compassion...but I received a cold stare from the woman behind the counter as she flung some paper work at me. "Did you come alone? Because you are not allowed to drive yourself after this procedure..." I lied and said my boyfriend had gone to get coffee, and would be here to pick me up later. I was embarrassed that he had actually told me he had better things to do, and that I should get a ride from someone else. I was planning on driving myself home, and hopefully driving right off a bridge.
When the assistant called me back, I was terrified to be alone...I felt like I was walking down a never ending hallway, and I would have liked a hand to hold.
Laying on the operating table in the paper-thin gown, the chill in the room kicked me out of my hysteria, and left me in a comatose state. My nose was plugged, and my eyes were swollen and felt like gravel. The Doctor burst in the room, snapped his exam gloves on and in a crisp voice...without even looking at me...asked, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I closed my eyes and prayed for the first time in my life. I prayed a prayer that every human being has prayed at some point in their life, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
Then it happened...time stood still, and I believe with all my heart that God moved Heaven and Earth to save me from what I was about to do. He gave me a vision...Christ holding me on one knee, and a baby girl on His other. He was pouring a white light on my head that covered my whole body. I knew that I was His child, and so was this baby inside of me. I opened my eyes, put on my clothes, and left the clinic.
It wasn't until February that I got the courage to tell my mom that I was pregnant. I had been afraid because she was such a passionate follower of Christ...I thought that because of her "religion" she would show disdain, even revulsion toward me. But it was because of her relationship with Christ, that she found the strength to love and support me. My parents asked what my plan was, and offered to help raise the baby however I needed. I wanted a baby...I was nineteen and felt so alone, I wanted a child who would love me every day for the rest of my life.
My parents were shocked when the words came out of my mouth. "I am giving her up for adoption." They cried saying that this was already so hard on me, that giving the baby up would only cause more heartbreak. I was only worried about how I was going to find the right family for my sweet baby. Many people had offered to adopt this baby...friends of friends, the ultrasound tech at my OB office... I asked my mom if she would take me to an agency and help me find a family. I knew she didn't want to do it either...she told me to pray about it first. I prayed. The next day I received a phone call. The woman on the phone said that she had heard that I was pregnant and was considering adoption. My eyes filled with tears as I braced myself for her to tell me that she would take the baby...it always hurt me when people put me in that position, it's not like I would ever just say, "Oh, YOU want my sweet little baby...okay!" But this woman didn't say anything like that...instead, she apologised for bothering me and asked if she could just send me some info about her and her husband.
I got the packet in the mail just a couple of days later. It was sort of like a resume...complete with letters of recommendation and photos. I called to let them know that I wanted to meet them. Soon my mom, my pastor, and I were on our way to Glenwood Springs to meet this wonderful couple. I fell in love. They were ordinary...they had a small house, with a room that they called the nursery. They served us little sandwiches, and told us about themselves, and asked questions about me. Our pastor had recommended that we not make any decisions while we were there, so we could sort thru our emotions and decide together if this was indeed what God had intended. We got in the car to leave, and before Pastor Ken started the car, we all knew.
Kirk and Debbie became my new best friends. They came to Littleton every week for Lamaze class (yeah...I had two coaches...it was GREAT), and some weekends, too. They came to the ultrasound appointment to see what the sex of the baby was, and we all cried together...we were SO happy! My wonderful OB let us schedule to be induced, so everyone could be sure to present for the birth. The hospital scheduled a private tour of the maternity ward, so we could ask questions that were important to our unique situation. Kirk cut Braydin's umbilical cord, Deb stayed by my side the whole time, and when my mom and Deb went over to see Braydin get assessed only moments after birth, Kirk held my hand and cried, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
When we all left the hospital 2 days later, I did not feel alone like everyone expected me to...I felt more fulfilled, and closer to God than I thought was possible. I met so many friends, and learned many hard lessons while I was pregnant, but I was obedient, and God made me better for it!
